Most of us grew up on the “one true love” narrative: you meet someone, fall in love, settle down, and that’s that. It’s a beautiful, classic love story. But sometimes, the reality isn’t quite as simple as two people riding off into the sunset, never to look back. Love, it turns out, is a bit more flexible and creative than we might think. Enter Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)—a type of relationship that, while not quite the mainstream fairy tale, is finding its way into the lives (and hearts) of many people around the world.
But what is ethical non-monogamy, really? And how is it different from, say, the usual “it’s complicated” status on Facebook? Let’s dive in. Grab your coffee (or wine, no judgment here).
Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) is, at its core, all about having relationships with multiple people, but in a way that’s transparent, consensual, and honest. Think of it as the opposite of “sneaking around” or “double lives.” Everyone involved knows what’s going on and agrees to the relationship dynamics from the start.
There’s a variety of ways ENM can look: open relationships, where a couple remains committed but allows each other the freedom to have romantic or sexual relationships with others; polyamory, where people have multiple romantic relationships at once, not just about physical connection but emotional intimacy too; and swinging, where committed partners engage in sexual activities with others, often in a social setting. Each style of ENM has its own guidelines and dynamics, but the one thing they all share?
Communication. Tons of it.
There’s no shortage of myths around ENM, so let’s clear a few things up. First, there’s the myth that ENM is just an excuse to cheat. The truth is, ENM is essentially the opposite of cheating. In fact, ENM relationships thrive on a level of honesty that’s pretty rare even in some traditional setups. Every conversation, agreement, and boundary is set up front, which is a far cry from deception.
Another myth is that people in ENM relationships just don’t want commitment. It turns out that many people practicing ENM are looking for connection and commitment—they just don’t define it with exclusivity. Some people find they can be their best selves and happiest partners when they have the freedom to explore different types of love, support, and companionship.
In fact, psychologist Deborah Anapol says that people in non-monogamous relationships often have higher levels of commitment to working through issues because they’ve practiced facing difficult emotions head-on from the start.
Then there's the misconception that ENM is basically the Wild West—anything goes! Not quite. Ethical non-monogamy is full of carefully designed boundaries that everyone involved agrees to and checks in on regularly. There are more rules here than you might think.
So why do people choose this path? For many, ENM isn’t a rejection of commitment—it’s a commitment to understanding love differently. Here’s a look at some of the benefits and challenges:
On the positive side, ENM allows for personal growth. It requires a lot of introspection. Jealousy, insecurity, attachment—all of these emotions come up. But people who navigate ENM tend to develop a strong sense of self-awareness and emotional resilience.
And then there’s the freedom and fulfillment aspect. People in ENM relationships often say that it allows them to fully express themselves without feeling confined by a single role. There’s a chance to explore different aspects of themselves with different people.
Of course, adapting to ENM isn’t without its challenges. Jealousy can still rear its ugly head, even in ENM. But in these relationships, jealousy isn’t ignored—it’s talked about openly and dealt with through communication.
According to Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, author of The Polyamorists Next Door, many people in polyamorous relationships actually reduce their jealousy over time as they work through it constructively.
Another hurdle is time management. Let’s be honest, balancing one relationship can be tricky enough. Now imagine coordinating schedules with multiple partners, everyone’s needs, and a social life. This isn’t for the faint-hearted.
And despite becoming more visible, ENM is still misunderstood by a lot of people, which can lead to judgment from family or friends who may not understand or support the relationship structure.
If you’re curious about trying ENM, the first step is to talk—openly and often. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and thinking of exploring ENM, you’ll need to have a candid and respectful conversation. Bring it up as something you’re exploring, not something you’re demanding. Set clear boundaries that work for everyone involved. This could mean deciding who you’re okay dating, what kind of intimacy is allowed, and how to handle unexpected feelings that might arise.
Be open to evolving, too. As people, we change, and relationships grow with us. Be ready to reevaluate and adjust your arrangements as life, needs, and feelings shift.
If the conversation becomes overwhelming or emotions run high, seeking professional help can provide a supportive space for you to explore your feelings and navigate the complexities of ENM. A therapist experienced in non-monogamous relationships can help facilitate those conversations.
Ethical non-monogamy may not be for everyone, but it’s a reminder that there’s more than one way to experience connection, trust, and intimacy.
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